An Introduction

I am bipolar. Not the Hollywood sort, brilliant or maniacal. Not the stereotypical sort, a hot mess or an armed madman. I’m the average sort. The sort to go to work everyday. The sort who does the grocery shopping and raises a family. Very average. Just like everyone else, except that buried beneath skin and bone lives an incubus entangled in my brain.

My illness has run the gamut from super low functioning to high functioning, and everything in between. As far as the disorder goes, I’m currently more high functioning than many, but far, far lower functioning than I was a couple years ago. I used to work in management. Now I’m just a retail grunt, and I’m struggling even with that. I’m mostly good at hiding my symptoms. Sort of like an animal that’s really good at hiding that it’s sick until one day it just falls over dead. I’m happy to report that I haven’t fallen over dead yet. I mostly just fall over into a mental fetal position and can’t function properly.

Meds. Can’t have a proper bipolar blog introduction without a med roll call. I’ve been on practically everything over the years to little effect. My depression is basically med resistant. If my pdoc can get it to budge, then I end up manic to some extent or other. Currently I’m on Lamictal 200mg, Klonopin .5 mg, and Latuda (ugliest name for a med ever) 60mg. It’s a work in progress. I’ve only been seeing my current pdoc for 8-9 months. He’s the best pdoc I’ve had in the seventeen years I’ve been suffering through professional help. He has a great bedside manner, he listens, and he’s optimistic.

The other thing you must have to make a proper blog introduction is a bit of boring life stuff. I have a husband and a daughter (we’ll call them B & A, respectively). The husband I’ve had for twenty years, the daughter for eighteen. Immediate family is great. Extended family? Well, you know how it goes. I like to read, mostly nonfiction or YA (at last count I own 277 books, but I‘ve bought more since). Bees are my favorite animal. I like alt rock and old country. I’m a little grunge, a little Goth, a little punk, and a little grown up. I’m a vegetarian (not that vegetarian. Honey vs vinegar, you know?) I’m Midwest, but not exactly. I’m a cynical optimist.

I used to blog daily. Got out of the habit and couldn‘t get back in even when I tried. It seemed to help at the time. Maybe it will help now. I'm looking for balance. A way out of the tailspin.