My Impending Weight Loss

I have a serious weight problem. I’m talking 5’4”-and-244lbs serious. I’m constantly dieting and constantly failing. I’m getting to the age where it’s beginning to impact me physically. My feet and knees hurt and lately I’ve been having issues with getting dizzy and feeling like I could pass out. I bought a glucose monitor because I was nearly certain that I was pre-diabetic. Turns out I’m not. I’m just unhealthy.

Yesterday was my 38th birthday. I drove 9 hours round trip to see my favorite band, Chevelle in concert. I sat on the sidewalk for 5 hours in front of the venue to get a spot in the front row (which I did get). As I stood through the two opening acts I began feeling disoriented. I was dizzy and my head hurt. I had no choice but to leave the front row before Chevelle even hit the stage to get something to drink. After a Sprite I felt better, but sub par. As I stood no longer able to get a view of the stage, I decided things absolutely must change. I was missing out on an experience I wanted so badly just because I’m fat. I couldn’t help but tear up out of disappointment.

Good news is, I was able to fight my way back through the pit and take my place in front. I got lucky. But it didn’t change my new found determination. I would have figuratively died had I not made back to the front row.

I don’t believe in epiphanies because they are never as permanent as they seem in the moment, but I’m going to use last night’s as a springboard. I don’t have much choice but to succeed. I don’t want to be old before my time. I want to be able to go to concerts and just be active in general for years to come. Not to mention how much better I always feel mentally when I eat right and exercise.

I’m going to take a whole foods approach, at least for the most part, and healthy processed foods when it’s difficult to avoid them. I have a lot of weird food allergies (many fruits and most nuts) that I often ignore. That can’t be helping my situation. I mean, the inflammation that must cause? Yikes.

So, yeah, I got this. I have to.

An Introduction

I am bipolar. Not the Hollywood sort, brilliant or maniacal. Not the stereotypical sort, a hot mess or an armed madman. I’m the average sort. The sort to go to work everyday. The sort who does the grocery shopping and raises a family. Very average. Just like everyone else, except that buried beneath skin and bone lives an incubus entangled in my brain.

My illness has run the gamut from super low functioning to high functioning, and everything in between. As far as the disorder goes, I’m currently more high functioning than many, but far, far lower functioning than I was a couple years ago. I used to work in management. Now I’m just a retail grunt, and I’m struggling even with that. I’m mostly good at hiding my symptoms. Sort of like an animal that’s really good at hiding that it’s sick until one day it just falls over dead. I’m happy to report that I haven’t fallen over dead yet. I mostly just fall over into a mental fetal position and can’t function properly.

Meds. Can’t have a proper bipolar blog introduction without a med roll call. I’ve been on practically everything over the years to little effect. My depression is basically med resistant. If my pdoc can get it to budge, then I end up manic to some extent or other. Currently I’m on Lamictal 200mg, Klonopin .5 mg, and Latuda (ugliest name for a med ever) 60mg. It’s a work in progress. I’ve only been seeing my current pdoc for 8-9 months. He’s the best pdoc I’ve had in the seventeen years I’ve been suffering through professional help. He has a great bedside manner, he listens, and he’s optimistic.

The other thing you must have to make a proper blog introduction is a bit of boring life stuff. I have a husband and a daughter (we’ll call them B & A, respectively). The husband I’ve had for twenty years, the daughter for eighteen. Immediate family is great. Extended family? Well, you know how it goes. I like to read, mostly nonfiction or YA (at last count I own 277 books, but I‘ve bought more since). Bees are my favorite animal. I like alt rock and old country. I’m a little grunge, a little Goth, a little punk, and a little grown up. I’m a vegetarian (not that vegetarian. Honey vs vinegar, you know?) I’m Midwest, but not exactly. I’m a cynical optimist.

I used to blog daily. Got out of the habit and couldn‘t get back in even when I tried. It seemed to help at the time. Maybe it will help now. I'm looking for balance. A way out of the tailspin.